Media affects most teens, either if it’s by music, television, computer social networks such as facebook and tumblr, and lastly by video games. But what are the consequences to this increase in violence in media? Things can escalate to depression to suicide. So media is a main cause for depression.
Some people believe that media aren’t the cause for a lot of kids’ depression. They argue that since not all programs are dealing with wrongdoing. Also they believe that there are parental controls on the website their kids look at. Also the music they listen to are usually heard on the radio and then looked up, since the song on the radio is usually edited. And lastly because most of the video games and movies are rated so they can allow or not allow their children the opportunity to be influenced by media.
But on the other hand there are others that believe that media is the cause for teen depression. For example a study on teenagers that listen to music featured in the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine researchers have found that out of 106 teenagers, 46 of them had already been linked to depression, which is about 44%. Another study from the Archives of General Psychiatry taken by Brian A. Primack from the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine in 1995 by 4,142 teenagers reported that teens on average spend 5.68 hours of media per day, including 2.3 hours of television, 0.62 hours of videocassettes, 0.41 hours of computer games, and 2.34 hours of radio. Another survey was taken seven years later and the teenagers were screened at the age of 21, and 308 (7.4%) had developed symptoms consistent with depression. And lastly there was a study taken by Nancy Schimelpfening from about.com have found that 22% of teens log onto their favorite social media site more than 10 times a day, more than half of teens log on at least once per day, 75% have cell phones with 25% of those with social media, 54% for texting, and 24% for instant messaging.
So teen depression shouldn’t be taken lightly because how everything is technology now days, teenagers have to be careful on exactly hat they do because you never know what could cause depression.
Brayton! :)
ReplyDeleteGood job on your essay. For your introduction, it's really good how you started out with the topic of media to kick off the essay, however, I think you need to make your relation of media and depression stronger so the reader really understands how you made the connection that you stated in your thesis statement. Remember, the intro has to build up into the position statement, and the rest has to support it. Also, your position statement should be more developed with just a bit of your general reasoning or background stated in it. Your whole essay should be based on this position.
In addition, it's okay to occasionally start off sentences with "But..", but try to use other words(like the ones we learned in class) that transition and fit better with your sentences. Also, I've found that when writing position papers, it seems to make a stronger impact when you avoid contractions such as "shouldn't" and using "should not" instead. (but..that's only my opinion. :P)
While your 2nd paragraph clearly states the opposing side, I think that you could make it better by adding some of their reasons too. Given that, try to develop more a position in your next few paragraphs to make sure you counteract the opposing positions and turn the reader over to your side. Your 3rd paragraph seems more informational that argumentative. Between the facts, make sure you add in what those facts could mean, why they mean that, and apply it your position statement.
-Leah
Hey!
ReplyDeleteLike Leah said, intro needs to be a build up to your thesis. Which you should restate, like saying while media can be controlled, it can also be a cause for depression or something like that. For your first body paragraph, you need to state more details and explain more on what you're trying to say. Your second body paragraph is good but the facts overwhelm this paragraph, you need to state a fact, comment on it by relating it to your position then continue on with your other evidence or details. This would also help with your sentence fluency. Also if you can, be more specific in what you're trying to say so you can break it down into 2 paragraphs instead of just 1. Your conclusion could give a more detailed summarization and a restatement of your thesis.
- Lex
Hi Brayton,
ReplyDeleteand congratulations for getting your draft posted and 2GGs done on time :)
Leah has made excellent comments and suggestions for improvement and Lex has agreed with her. I agree, too. They are the comments I would have made (and now I don't have to ;). So read Leah's post very very carefully and revise your essay to follow them.
That connection between media and depression is of major importance, really your entire paper depends on it. And it needs to be way stronger.
mrs s