Hello my name is Brayton Sakai, and I’m interested in applying to your college in the medial department.
Some things that I really enjoy are spending time with people either old or young, learning new things each and everyday, and finding new things about myself. Some personal experiences that make me the person I am are was I really love being around people, I like to go to hospitals since my stepdad works there. I like volunteering with either helping patients with whatever they need or maybe just simply brightening up their day. And even though they may be ill or sick I just love seeing people smile even for the smallest things. Other experiences that that prove that I learn something everyday about myself or the world is that life always gives me obstacles that make me who I am today. Some examples are that if it’s either I’m having a bad day as things aren’t going my way I have to persevere to pick myself up and not let things bring me down. Or if it’s losing a family member I have to remember that I have to think to myself that they would want me to succeed in life even though it’s without them. And lastly if it’s a baseball game I have to work hardly and practice hardly to make myself the ball player that I want to be.
Some things that make me stand out as an individual is that I really I really work hard in everything I do either if it’s in baseball, school, or other activities. Even though I may not be a 4.0 student I still study hard, and try to get the best possible grade I can get, even if it’s going in for help when I’m busy or asking my friends to tutor me. Also what makes me stand out is that I am easy to get along with. I never grumble if someone tells me to do something, I just go and do it right away even it may be difficult. Also I always shoot to be the best person that I want to be even if my goals and dreams may be impossible I tend to try to work towards then to make myself a better person. And lastly I just enjoy making the best things that I’m given even if it’s not the best.
Hey Brayton,
ReplyDeleteYour draft is a good start. You have your ideas stated clearly. However I feel that you should do more showing not telling. For example, when you talk about your qualities and characteristics you should give experiences that really show your traits. Like to show that you work hard in everything you do, you could say I study for 5 hours everyday for upcoming tests or I go in for help from my teacher at least once a week for each class even if I have practice. Also, try to use better transitions than also (in the last paragraph), mix it up. I feel like your voice doesn't come out in the essay, you should put in more details on how you feel. Like in the first paragraph when you talk about being in the hospital and making patients smile, write about how you feel, does it feel good or rewarding to get the patients smile. Then in the first paragraph "Other experiences that that prove that I learn something everyday about myself or the world is that life always gives me obstacles that make me who I am today." The sentence doesn't really make sense. Take out the second that in the beginning of the sentence and consider revising it. Also the first sentence in the second paragraph "Some things that make me stand out as an individual is that I really I really work hard in everything I do either if it’s in baseball, school, or other activities." You repeated I really, you should take out the second I so it says, "I really, really work hard." If you revise those things you should have a great essay.
-Mikayla Domingo