Riiiiiing!The first bell had sounded and all the students hurried to class.That is except me and my friends.We all hated school,because we all knew there would be drama during the day.And everyone knew it would someone in our group.And eventually either me or my friend would have to help them out and understand their problem.
But their was one day when I had a problem of my own.Their was me and my friend Josh, we were walking along the walkway in F building.Then I heard some kid call out "Look at those 2 gay guys!" I then turned back but I couldn't see who said it so I was starting to get pissed off! I started to yell out "Who did this?!" But no one answered! My friend Josh had to me to settle down but I really couldn't, my aderaline was pumping very fast. But then the bell had rung and I had to get to my next class because I had a big test that day.
I knew I to calm down, and get my mind straight and focus up.If I had flunk that test my parents would ground me from my phone.So I buckled down and focused up and did my test the best I could do.I completely ignored what had happened at break.That is until lunch, I was going to figure out who had did this. But I never had heard that voice again.
But that all changed after school! As I was finally cooled down and walking tothe rec center,I heard that voice again calling out to me.I turned around,dropped my bag and sprinted to where I had heard that voice.But apparently whoever had said it ran off.I was so frustrated and I went to the nearest stairwell I could find and it was F building stairs.I just had to express my feelings no matter if everyone heard. And every since then it is a place I can go to and express my feelings where no one would care.
Hey Brayton :)
ReplyDeleteI understand how this place has become your sanctuary.
Conventions: "That is except me and my friends." should be joined to the first sentence and should be, "The first bell had sounded and all the students hurried to class; that is, except my friends and I." (or something of that sort.) [Writing "me and ___ " is grammatically incorrect-check for this in other parts too]
There is no need for a comma in your second sentence. However, commas should be used before quotes and before words such as, "but" and when listing things.
Also, remember that there should be a space after commas, and a space or 2 spaces after a period.
In your second paragraph, "their" should be spelled "there" in the first two sentences of this paragraph. Double check to make sure you are using the correct "there" (or their/ they're)
Watch for spelling mistakes (DOUBLE CHECK! ex. adrenaline)
Also double check that your sentences are complete and contain all necessary words. For example:"My friend Josh had to me to settle down but I really couldn't, my aderaline was pumping very fast." Should be: "My friend, Josh, had to get me to settle down, but I really couldn't because my adrenaline was pumping very fast."
Cut out unnecessary words in sentences like, "As I (was) finally cooled down"
Organization: Your story line is clear, however very vague.
Ideas: Although the first part of your essay explains how it became your special place, it isn't quite clear what "it" is. Please describe and explain your querencia more.
Voice: I believe it would help to explain descriptively how YOU personally feel when you're in this place. You are very vague when it comes to you actually being at your querencia.
Word Choice:Although it may not be grammatically incorrect, try to avoid starting sentences with words such as "But" or "And" It takes away fluency within the piece. You may want to use words such as, "However" or "Also" that make better transitions. Also, please include descriptive words to describe your environment and your emotions.
Good Job! :)
Love, Leah M.
Hey brayton
ReplyDeletethis is bryson. I read your essay and i have to say it is pretty good. YOu just have a few grammar mistakes and spelling errors. for example i thimk you should spell out the word two.for grammar " i know i to" is not good grammar, and i think instead of me and my friend i think its my friend and I. But thats what spell checks for right.
Hi Brayton,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Leah when she says that your querencia is kind of vague. The essay is more of a narrative about your getting teased than it is about a special place.
To fulfill the assignment, you will need to describe the place in specific detail, as well as show how it has helped to shape your identity. Frankly, the place you are describing sounds more like a place you can go to vent frustration. I am not sure it's a querencia.
Bryson--you need to put more effort into your critique. This does not fulfill the assignment.
Leah--your grammatical comments are accurate; however, it would be more helpful to start with the traits because they are the "big picture" and more important than the mechanics :)
mrs s