Dear Redwoods,
Ideas:-it doesn't give me a good understanding of why you chose redwoods
- you should include what the woods looked like,or what made it a wonderful time
Organization:-it really isnt that organized,you may want to put down in order what u guys did in the woods to make it better
-it bounces around detail to detail it, it gives me one detail and jumps to another type of detail
Voice:-you put to much repitition into one topic
-you may want to talk about one topic and write details about that and THEN may a different topic and put details about that
Word choice:-you don't put any sensory details,its really vivid
-a couple that could be improved are fun,wonderful,sunny,and warm
-you could have put it was a very once in a great while we could be together as a family and do things together
Dear Mouse Alert,
Ideas:-your main idea is clear and consise
-it really shows me visual picture on why you called the story mouse alert
Organization:- it showed me a chronoligical of what happened
-also it didnt bounce around,it went from one topic to the next clearly
Voice:-you knew what the person was talking aboutt
-they werent repetative,they made up new ideas
Word choice:-i really like their choice of words
-they show me what they are talking about not just saying it
-they use a variety of concrete details such asoversized weapon,shrieking,and something bigger than a mouse
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Querencia
Riiiiiing!The first bell had sounded and all the students hurried to class.That is except me and my friends.We all hated school,because we all knew there would be drama during the day.And everyone knew it would someone in our group.And eventually either me or my friend would have to help them out and understand their problem.
But their was one day when I had a problem of my own.Their was me and my friend Josh, we were walking along the walkway in F building.Then I heard some kid call out "Look at those 2 gay guys!" I then turned back but I couldn't see who said it so I was starting to get pissed off! I started to yell out "Who did this?!" But no one answered! My friend Josh had to me to settle down but I really couldn't, my aderaline was pumping very fast. But then the bell had rung and I had to get to my next class because I had a big test that day.
I knew I to calm down, and get my mind straight and focus up.If I had flunk that test my parents would ground me from my phone.So I buckled down and focused up and did my test the best I could do.I completely ignored what had happened at break.That is until lunch, I was going to figure out who had did this. But I never had heard that voice again.
But that all changed after school! As I was finally cooled down and walking tothe rec center,I heard that voice again calling out to me.I turned around,dropped my bag and sprinted to where I had heard that voice.But apparently whoever had said it ran off.I was so frustrated and I went to the nearest stairwell I could find and it was F building stairs.I just had to express my feelings no matter if everyone heard. And every since then it is a place I can go to and express my feelings where no one would care.
But their was one day when I had a problem of my own.Their was me and my friend Josh, we were walking along the walkway in F building.Then I heard some kid call out "Look at those 2 gay guys!" I then turned back but I couldn't see who said it so I was starting to get pissed off! I started to yell out "Who did this?!" But no one answered! My friend Josh had to me to settle down but I really couldn't, my aderaline was pumping very fast. But then the bell had rung and I had to get to my next class because I had a big test that day.
I knew I to calm down, and get my mind straight and focus up.If I had flunk that test my parents would ground me from my phone.So I buckled down and focused up and did my test the best I could do.I completely ignored what had happened at break.That is until lunch, I was going to figure out who had did this. But I never had heard that voice again.
But that all changed after school! As I was finally cooled down and walking tothe rec center,I heard that voice again calling out to me.I turned around,dropped my bag and sprinted to where I had heard that voice.But apparently whoever had said it ran off.I was so frustrated and I went to the nearest stairwell I could find and it was F building stairs.I just had to express my feelings no matter if everyone heard. And every since then it is a place I can go to and express my feelings where no one would care.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
My Wonderful Place
My Special Place
Where is my special place?
My special place is Moanalua Middle School. I love this place because when I'm frustrated I can always go back to my teacher, Mr.Kaneshiro and he would find a way to cheer me back up. I love how 8th graders now enjoy when I go back, and give me hugs. It makes me feel appreciated because when I in 7th and 8th grade, I didn't really have a person to look up to. So it really feels nice to know that I can help with people that are younger than me. But if Mr.Kaneshiro wasn't there to help me, I would probably be going to the stairs in the back of the school by F building. No one would go there and it is where I can express my feelings without anyone hearing me. Without Moanalua Middle, I don't think there would anywhere else to help me with my emotions.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Roots And Recipes Rough Draft
Uhhhhh.... My expression after a long week of school.Longing for the weekend to come already.Wanting to see my family and enjoy a nice dinner with them. Just having the family jokes,games,and stories being told. But what I was really looking forward to was my grandma's ANDAGI!
As I woke up the next morning at home, I was thinking this day would go by fast, because I had baseball that day! But nope the baseball went by slow, and I was thinking to myself why do this game have to be so boring for! As the hours ticked away, which seemed like forever I was getting more and more anxious to just take someones car and just go and drive there.
While I was sitting at home, I tried to make time go by faster by talking to my friends but it apparently didn't work.Now I knew that this would take a while before I left my house in Wahiawa and drive all the way to Kaneohe. But I knew that even if it took the day to leave, I just wanted to be there, enjoying the laughter and fun and especially the ANDAGI!(:
Then out of nowhere I here my mom call out "Brayton hurry up we're going!"Get out of bed for the past couple hours and run down the stairs to get into the car.Not paying attention to grab my ipod but thinking nah I rather just go grandmas house already! So on the way to my grandmas house having mixed emotions in me. Waiting patiently but anxious and excited for the delicious taste of the andagi.
So we finally pull up into the driveway of my grandmas house. I wanted to just run into the house but my mom called me back to help and take in my brothers diaper bag.So I went back and brought the diaper bag.
Finally inside the house,through all the waiting I had to go through.I was looking for the mouth watering andagi on top of the stove but I didnt find it!:( So I was thinking to myself "What?! How can there be no andagi! I waited for this all day! And there is none,what's going on?!" This was so miserable!
The next 2 hours we spent talking story and telling each other how our week went. But I was on the computer and my uncle saw all of my friends and started teasing me. So laughter filled the room with happiness and joy! As we ate our dinner,which everyone enjoyed, everyone watched the UH volleyball game. As the game was coming to a close you heard my grandma say "Is everyone ready for dessert?" When I heard that I thought "What possibly could be for dessert and it's not andagi?" But then out of nowhere she pulls out a batch of andagi and I was so enthrilled to see it! I got up and helped her serve it out. But when I got mines I demolished it like it was nothing. And by the time I was finshed I probably had like 5 of them and there were like 8 more extra!So I asked my mom could we take some home. But she told me "Let everyone else hav,you already had like 5." But everyone told her that we could some and I was so thrilled, it was like I never ate dessert in my life.
So after that day,I always loved andagi and every summer my grandma makes me some to eat and take home and everyday I eat I cherish the memories I have with the andagi.And everytime when I eat it,I use it a memory when it one of mine and my grandpas favorite dessert because I'm never going to get that chance to eat with him again.
As I woke up the next morning at home, I was thinking this day would go by fast, because I had baseball that day! But nope the baseball went by slow, and I was thinking to myself why do this game have to be so boring for! As the hours ticked away, which seemed like forever I was getting more and more anxious to just take someones car and just go and drive there.
While I was sitting at home, I tried to make time go by faster by talking to my friends but it apparently didn't work.Now I knew that this would take a while before I left my house in Wahiawa and drive all the way to Kaneohe. But I knew that even if it took the day to leave, I just wanted to be there, enjoying the laughter and fun and especially the ANDAGI!(:
Then out of nowhere I here my mom call out "Brayton hurry up we're going!"Get out of bed for the past couple hours and run down the stairs to get into the car.Not paying attention to grab my ipod but thinking nah I rather just go grandmas house already! So on the way to my grandmas house having mixed emotions in me. Waiting patiently but anxious and excited for the delicious taste of the andagi.
So we finally pull up into the driveway of my grandmas house. I wanted to just run into the house but my mom called me back to help and take in my brothers diaper bag.So I went back and brought the diaper bag.
Finally inside the house,through all the waiting I had to go through.I was looking for the mouth watering andagi on top of the stove but I didnt find it!:( So I was thinking to myself "What?! How can there be no andagi! I waited for this all day! And there is none,what's going on?!" This was so miserable!
The next 2 hours we spent talking story and telling each other how our week went. But I was on the computer and my uncle saw all of my friends and started teasing me. So laughter filled the room with happiness and joy! As we ate our dinner,which everyone enjoyed, everyone watched the UH volleyball game. As the game was coming to a close you heard my grandma say "Is everyone ready for dessert?" When I heard that I thought "What possibly could be for dessert and it's not andagi?" But then out of nowhere she pulls out a batch of andagi and I was so enthrilled to see it! I got up and helped her serve it out. But when I got mines I demolished it like it was nothing. And by the time I was finshed I probably had like 5 of them and there were like 8 more extra!So I asked my mom could we take some home. But she told me "Let everyone else hav,you already had like 5." But everyone told her that we could some and I was so thrilled, it was like I never ate dessert in my life.
So after that day,I always loved andagi and every summer my grandma makes me some to eat and take home and everyday I eat I cherish the memories I have with the andagi.And everytime when I eat it,I use it a memory when it one of mine and my grandpas favorite dessert because I'm never going to get that chance to eat with him again.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)