Rinnnnnng,was all I remember that day. Saying good-byes at school and walking to my friend Drake's house,playing video games.
Ahhhhh, just waking up from bed from a long day before. I got ready for summer school that morning with a tingling feeling like something wrong was going to happen. But I thought to myself nothing was going to happen.
As I got to school, all my thought sank away as we were filled with conversations with laughter and happiness. Rinnnng,the bell rung signaling that school started. "What another wonderful day at P.E." I thought to myself. The period was filled with laughter and excitement as we played pickel-ball. After that everything felt like went downhill. The sky was turned pitch-black like it was going to pour.
"Ayee Drake,where you like meet?" as I talked to him to take me home. As I got into the car, the same feeling ran through as something bad had just happened,but I tried getting over it but I couldn't. When we went to Drake's house, my dad was waiting for me in his car. I tried calling my mom, but she wouldn't answer and from there I knew something was wrong!
The path he was taking me was so familiar. A long ride into the dark,thunderous sky on the Pali to my Grandma's house. "Your mom told me to pick you up!" my dad said. But I just sat in the car silenced, and stunned. Tears started to roll down my face aleardy like a drizzle.
As soon as we got to my Grandma's house, things just became a daze as I ran into the house like a freight train, nothing stopping me. I gave my Grandpa a big hug as if he was still alive. But he just lay there helplessly,and motionless. My mom had to pull me aside after a good 3 minutes I was hugging my Grandpa. First she gave me a big hug,then she said to me "It's alright, now he's not suffering."Yeah your right" as I said weeping in tears.
I should've known that something like this was going to happen. I should've known when I got those weird feelings in the morning and after school. I should've known when my dad rushed me down the Pali.
But even though my Garndpa isn't with us, I learned alot of things from it. First that even though he had cancer and was getting worse, he still lived his life as if there was no tomorrow. Another thing was that even though people may doubt you,like people doubted on how much time he had, he proved them wrong by fighting to make wonderful things happen. And lastly if you have people that care about you, use them wisely because you never know what could happen.
Ok so this peice of writing that you was heart touching and i could feel the pain and suffering that you went through. In some areas there was misspelt words. Just fixed that and in some areas it didnt make sense like you were saying i thought something bad is going to happen and but its probably nothing and when you was walkin with your friend you saw your dad but you was calling your mom. Just try make a little more sense and you will have a great essay. I like the sentence fluency at the end also.
ReplyDeleteHey Brayton,
ReplyDeleteI think you did a great job on your coming of age paper and I feel you did a really good job on picking your coming of age experience. You did a great job on sentence fluency. For example when you used the same pattern for 3 sentences, "I should've known that something like this was going to happen. I should've known when I got those weird feelings in the morning and after school. I should've known when my dad rushed me down the Pali." It really put emphasis of how you felt losing your grandfather. Also I like the organization of your essay and how you put it in chronological order so it is not confusing and easy to follow. I liked the simile you used when you rushed into your grandpa's house "As soon as we got to my Grandma's house, things just became a daze as I ran into the house like a freight train, nothing stopping me." It's a good way of describing your actions. I like how you end your essay with what you learned from this experience and how you have grown. However there was this one part that was confusing which was "After that everything felt like went downhill." What did you mean by it? Were you talking about your day or your feelings? Also I think you should talk more about your grandfather so the readers know how much he meant to you. Like what did he do for you? What do you remember the most about him? What did he help you through? Things like that. Also you could do a bit more showing them telling like when you describe about summer school and you say, " As I got to school, all my thought sank away as we were filled with conversations with laughter and happiness." You could add what people said that made you laugh? Lastly, in the end didn't quite understand what you meant, "And lastly if you have people that care about you, use them wisely because you never know what could happen." Do you mean treasure people and learn as much from them? Other than that you did a great job on your essay.
-Mikayla Domingo
Hi Brayton,
ReplyDeleteYou've shared a genuine coming of age experience, but I think you need to do less patterning on Korie's and more of your own writing.
You need to provide details about why your grandpa was so special to you. Also, the lengthy intro could be shortened..there's so much detail about summer school and about your feelings of foreboding that it kind of detracts from the actual trip to your Grandma's.
Let me know if you have questions.
mrs s